Restarting your Dating Life on the Right Note
Co-founder and Dating Expert at Select Personal Introductions, Alex Mellor-Brook shares his expert advice on returning to the world of dating after a break up
People talk about getting back on horses and never forgetting how to ride bicycles, but a romantic life is not a means of transport. It’s not just about getting over a few wobbles or having somebody nearby to catch you if you fall. Instead, it’s a full-on balancing act, where your own emotional life, and your willingness to step out into the wide world of dating need to synchronize. That might sound daunting, but it’s also the most worthwhile thing you can do for yourself, and for the person out there who’s just waiting to meet you.
Actually having somebody nearby to catch you is as good an idea for your love life as for your transport adventures. Setting up a strong support network is a fantastic way to restart your love life. Get family and friends on your side by organising nights out with your mates as well as dates, so you can relax and talk to them about how your dates are going, it’s a great way to explore what you’re really feeling and get some moral support.
When to date after a break up?
There used to be strict rules about this, especially after a divorce, but today we’re more relaxed. We can offer some guidelines though. First try to establish where things went wrong in your last relationship before flying into the next one, so you can identify problems and see where you may need to change. After all, those who can’t see their mistakes may be doomed to repeat them. But don’t dwell on your sorrows too long - it’s mentally and emotionally healthier to seek out a new partnership than to feel lonely and isolated.
How to date again:
Accept your vulnerability. Whether you’re coming out of a twenty year marriage or a one year dating relationship, you may fear being hurt again. Being honest is important - first with yourself and then with anybody who might become important to you.
Have clear dating standards. Know your deal-breakers and triggers, so you can assess other people’s behaviour clearly. It’s easy to over-analyse and over-invest when we first start dating again. Having solid criteria to measure how things are going can help you view any potential partner realistically.
Become sociable. Coming out of a relationship often means having to rebuild a whole social life, and purely looking for a new life partner can be destabilising. Focus on reconnecting with old friends and former hobbies or launch out in new directions. This stops you fixating on a relationship as your only solution. It also makes you a more interesting and relaxed partner on the dates you do get.
Trust your gut. Having found one person to share life with, it can feel strange to start talking to total strangers again. But while that’s normal, we need to be open to new possibilities. Having people to talk to; friends, family members, or even a dating expert, can help us see that we’re actually well-equipped to rely on our instincts when it comes to rebuilding a romantic life.
And finally, be brave! We all deserve a fulfilling and rewarding emotional life, and sometimes we just need to stick our necks out a bit to get it.
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