7 Signs You’re Dating a Conversational Narcissist
WORDS: Alex Mellor-Brook, Dating and Relationship Coach, Co-founder at Select Personal Introductions
It’s subtle. Easy to overlook at least at first. And yet it undermines healthy communication, leaves you feeling unheard and misunderstood and eventually erodes your ability to relax, respect and respond healthily to your date.
What does conversational narcissism look like?
Good question. If you’re experiencing more than one of the following, you might be dating a conversational narcissist:
#1 - Moving the conversation to themselves - if your date is always redirecting the topic to their own achievements or experiences, regardless of the original topic, you’re experiencing somebody who centres the conversation on themself rather than sharing it with you.
#2 - Minimal acknowledgement - a brusque nod or a dismissive ‘uh huh’ or ‘sure’ before moving the conversation on is another sign of conversational narcissism. They just can’t be bothered to engage with your point of view.
#3 - Lack of empathy - similar to the previous point, this one manifests as an inability, or unwillingness to show empathy for the feelings or situations of others, instead focusing back on how the topic relates to them.
#4 - Conversation as competition - if you feel constantly one-upped or outdone, you might be dating a conversational narcissist. Whether they try to be better than you, or worse than you, this is somebody who views conversation as a battle to be won, not a way to build intimacy.
#5 - Interrupting - can you never finish a sentence or story? Do they cut in to change the focus of the conversation? That’s classic conversational narcissism.
#6 - Self-praise - this can be tricky because we all want to present our best selves on a date, right? But when it becomes over-frequent or irrelevant to the conversation it’s just bragging and a sign your date is looking for validation, not communication.
#7 - Manipulating the flow - this is a real skill for a conversational narcissist. They’re brilliant at controlling the way a conversation develops, changing topics, damming the flow if it helps somebody else shine, steering it into places that put them centre stage.
What to do about conversational narcissism?
First and most importantly, decide if your date is worth it. Whether their conversational narcissism comes from deep-seated inferiority, inappropriate role models or is evidence of other narcissistic traits, it won’t change unless they’re committed to changing.
You can help them by:
Setting boundaries - let them know firmly and clearly, when they’re dominating things
Boosting empathy - open questions such as, “How do you think X felt when that happened?” can encourage the conversational narcissist to take a broader view and engage with the feelings of others
Modelling active listening - by showing engagement, attentiveness and empathy you can guide the narcissist to mirror your good habits
Giving good feedback - focus on being constructive, talking about how their behaviour impacts you rather than being confrontational about ‘rudeness’ etc.
Not reinforcing - don’t praise their self-talk, don’t let them dominate if you’re in a group. Instead, simply redirect conversation to a broader topic or to include others.
If you think they’re worth investing in, these actions might make your conversations more meaningful and that’s good for you, and your date!
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