The AI Third Wheel: When Your Date’s Charm Was Written by a Chatbot
WORDS: Alex Mellor-Brook, Dating and Relationship Coach, Co-founder at Select Personal Introductions
We’re used to our dating lives being fed by media; whether we read Cosmopolitan or Closer, Vanity Fair or The Sun. There are horoscopes for the believers and agony aunts for the troubled. But today dating advice is just as likely to be found on Mashable or Wired. Why?
AI.
From AI ‘ick’ - the cringe that comes from knowing that your date has been using ChatGPT as a flirting coach - right through to feeling emotionally abused by dating an AI via a human interface, the backlash against AI in relationships has come hard and fast.
Do you know who you’re dating?
AI tools can shape chats, suggest emotionally rich responses to messages, ‘teach’ flirting and reassure after rejection. It can feel supportive to have AI on hand when you’re lost in the dark jungles of online dating, hacking through catfishers, breadcrumbers, being ghosted, and just the pure exhaustion of trying to find a relationship. But AI ‘situationships’ are dangerous exactly because they are so low risk and low conflict. Yes, they can reduce loneliness, but they can also stop us following through on our own desires.
A 2025 study showed that while stated interest in dating remained constant, actual intent to meet dropped 15-20% among people who were heavy AI users. So if you’re having a great time online, but your ‘perfect match’ just doesn’t show up - they probably aren’t interested in real world dating - because their need for intimacy is being met by an AI companion.
How to deal with it
People are increasingly asking for ‘no AI’ profile disclosure, such as biometric videos recorded without warning, live audio meet-ups without an editing lag etc. It’s all about being able to see that somebody is engaging for real, rough edges and all.
There’s a bigger question - are we actually dating a person at all? Chatbots and catfish are expert at giving us what we want … but while we think we want constant attention, clever repartee and emotional fluency, we are reassured by the odd ‘dropped brick’ or stuttering response, because it shows there’s a real, unpolished human being on the other side of the screen.
What we really, really want…
We want connection and love, intimacy and enjoyment - and it can be easy to think that our desires are universal. But troubling research suggests that what some people want is a partner they can abuse - and that AI is normalising their responses by not pushing back against their behaviour. Some men are already boasting about abusing AI companions, and across the board we’re just a little more likely to lie and cheat in front of AI than in front of real life companions.
…and how to get it
Dating online is great and AI can be a wonderful tool, but a couple of simple rules will make your dating life real rather than artificial:
Consider adding ‘no AI used or wanted’ to your profile.
Insist on a meet up after a set period; two weeks is a good margin.
Keep it real by having spontaneous video or audio chats in that ‘getting to know you’ period.
Trust your instincts and cut your losses. If they feel like a robot - they probably are!
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