Have We Overcomplicated Falling in Love?
WORDS: Alex Mellor-Brook, Dating and Relationship Coach, Co-founder at Select Personal Introductions
Modern dating has developed a peculiar sickness; we’ve turned romance into a research project. Every date becomes a case study, every conversation a cross-examination. As someone who has spent nearly three decades coaching singles and introducing successful people to one another, I can tell you the biggest obstacle to lasting love isn’t a shortage of good potential partners. It’s what happens in each person’s head before they’ve met.
The ick isn’t always honest
Let’s talk about the “ick” - that instant, visceral recoil from something trivial. Round-toed shoes. A particular laugh. The way someone holds a fork. Some of these responses are genuine incompatibilities worth listening to. But here’s what decades of being in this industry has taught me; most aren’t.
Ask yourself this. Would you cut a sibling or a parent out of your life over the same trait? If not, you may be holding a stranger to a standard you’d never apply to someone you already love. Every one of us was once a baby who ate with an open mouth, and somehow, we were adored anyway. Tolerance is a muscle. Dating is where it gets tested first.
Your attachment style is doing the talking
Few daters realise their attachment style is narrating their love life before a single word is exchanged. Underneath every date sits one unspoken question: can I trust this person, and do I deserve them? Securely attached people move forward with ease. Everyone else runs a quieter, more damaging script - the anxiously attached rehearse rejection before the first date even begins, the dismissively avoidant decide someone isn’t serious within minutes, and the fearfully avoidant sabotage exactly when things start to matter. None of this shows up as a flaw on paper. It shows up as coldness, neediness or suspicion across a dinner table, and it ends promising connections before they’ve had a chance to breathe.
Compatibility is a myth worth questioning
Plato believed we spend our lives searching for our other half, a soulmate literally split from us at birth. It’s a beautiful idea, and it’s also responsible for a great deal of unnecessary heartbreak. I’ve seen couples who shared every interest and watched them fizzle, and I’ve seen couples who agreed on almost nothing and watched them thrive, sparked alive by their differences.
The truth daters least expect: chemistry rarely follows a checklist. The partner who ticks every box on paper is often forgettable in person, while the one who breaks every rule becomes unforgettable.
The real fix isn’t more filtering
If you recognise yourself in any of this, step away from the apps and the analysis. Spend an evening somewhere nobody is auditioning for anything. Genuine connection tends to arrive sideways, while we’re busy living, not scrutinising. Overthinking loosens its grip the moment we stop treating love like a problem to be solved.
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