Coupe de Grace
Porsche’s less practical flagship SUV shouldn’t work, but as James Fossdyke has discovered, somehow it just does
It was Oscar Wilde who said an idea that wasn’t dangerous was unworthy of being called an idea at all. Although he died more than 120 years ago, it’s almost as if he foresaw the advent of the coupe-SUV – a niche corner of the car market that should never have been uncovered.
For one, the idea of taking a super-useful family SUV and then making it less practical feels like amputating your nose, mouth and eyes to spite your face. It’s a stupid idea. But sometimes it works, and when it works, it really, really works. So much so, in fact, that I now believe one particular coupe-SUV is up there with the best cars money can buy. That’s partly because I think it’s so brutally good looking, and partly because it’s based on the Porsche Cayenne, which was already one of the best cars money could buy.
Those imaginative Germans have called it the Cayenne Coupe, and it’s basically a Cayenne with half the boot missing. That means you get the same sports-car-on-stilts front end, but you get a rakish rear window that makes the whole thing look more purposeful and aggressive. The whole car feels as though it has more menace about it. The catch is, of course, that you get less space inside. You can’t carry quite so much in the boot and you can’t fit quite such tall passengers in the rear seats, although that isn’t as big an issue as you might think.
That’s mainly because the Cayenne Coupe is still massive. It’s almost 5m long and 2.2m wide, so there’s plenty of interior space. The rear seats can still take 6ft adults and the boot is still enormous. In fact, at 625 litres, the boot is only around 20% smaller than in the proper SUV, and that was enormous to start with. So it’s all good on the practicality front.
More importantly, the quality on display is absolutely staggering. As always with Porsche, the car feels as though it was carved from a single lump of diamond. The switches feel like they could survive a nuclear war and the panels all fit together with the precision of a Swiss watch. But despite all that ruggedness and quality, everything is wrapped in soft leather, making it more tactile than a Louis Vuitton handbag. You won’t find anything more luxurious or better constructed this side of a Bentley.
You won’t find many cars with more potency, either. You can have the Cayenne Coupe with a choice of engines, all of which have more power than most third-world dictators. The ‘basic’ option is a 3.0-litre V6 petrol engine that produces 335bhp, but you can have a 4.0-litre V8 with 542bhp. Or, if you’re feeling brave, that engine can be paired with electric motors to create a 671bhp plug-in hybrid. That means you’ll get from a standstill to 62mph in an absurd, supercar-worrying 3.8 seconds.
I wouldn’t bother with any of those engines, though. Unless you’re worried about company car tax (in which case you need the 3.0-litre, 456bhp E-Hybrid), go for the 434bhp S or the 454bhp GTS. Both will do 0-62mph in about five seconds, though the former uses a 2.9-litre V6 while the latter has a 4.0-litre V8. Try both and pick whichever you prefer.
Either way, you’ll be getting a fabulous car. Not only will it be spacious, fast and well built, but it’ll drive astonishingly well. Because although the Cayenne Coupe shines in so many areas, you’ll only find its forte when you hit a good back road. Of course, that’s only to be expected. Chopping away the Cayenne’s rear end should, in theory, make it more agile and more stable. With less weight sitting high above the road, it should roll and wallow less when you corner at speed – not that the Cayenne did much of that anyway.
The newbie might be a bit more surefooted, but we’re talking marginal gains because the Cayenne was so well engineered in the first place. Suffice to say whatever its more practical sibling may be capable of, the Coupe is a match for it. In every department, this is a magical car to drive. The steering is precise without being too heavy, the brakes are powerful without being too snappy and the throttle response is sharp without being too spiky. I’m convinced this thing could match or even beat the likes of the VW Golf GTI or Ford Focus ST on a race track, and that’s high praise for a two-tonne SUV.
And it does that while still feeling smooth and comfortable. Get on the motorway and the Cayenne Coupe wafts along like a taller, fatter limousine, gliding over the road surface. And it works around town, despite being absolutely massive. Even the driving position is brilliant, and there’s plenty to like about the seats, too. This really is all things to all people.
In the interest of balance, I’m told I have to find something to criticise, so… Um… Nope, I’ve got nothing. There’s one fiddly sub-menu in the touchscreen that I don’t like and there are some suspect colour options, but that’s about it. I could go down the obvious route of complaining about a lack of practicality, but that’s a bit like criticising Tom Cruise because Peter Crouch is better at reaching the top shelf in Waitrose. It kind of misses the point.
As a result, the Cayenne Coupe has left me with a conundrum. For years, I’ve been saying the Porsche Panamera Sports Turismo – the estate version of Porsche’s big Panamera sports saloon – is the best car in the world. But now it has competition from within its own family. The Cayenne Coupe is cheaper and, I think, better looking. It doesn’t drive quite as well, but it comes close. It’s tit for tat, and both are great cars. No matter which I chose, I’d spend the rest of time questioning my decision, but on balance, I’d drive away from the Porsche dealer in the Cayenne.
We Recommend:
Porsche Cayenne S Coupe
Price from: £77,490
Gearbox: 8-speed automatic
Engine: 2.9-litre V6 petrol
0-62mph: 5.0 seconds
Top speed: 163mph
Power: 434bhp
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